Five for Friday

Weigh-Scale

WOOP WOOP – Even mummies get reward stickers too! I got my silver 7 sticker this week!

Great, I hear you say? Well, maybe not so? You see it has taken me over 6 months just to lose that half a stone! And this is not my first time of trying. Just call me Yo-Yo.

DeJaVu
As you may have gathered I ‘was’ a member of one of the UKs largest slimming groups. But I have been here before. A couple of years ago I lost 25lbs, as in almost 2 stone, not £25! Unfortunately after a breakup; a breakdown (there goes that yo-yo again); more than a few bottles of plonk, and a fair amount of comfort eating, I was back to square one.

All gone pear-shaped
Now, I do not mind being a ‘curvy’ girl. I do not mind being a size 16. The problem is my knees do! I was diagnosed with Arthiritis late last year, and my first piece of advice was to lose some weight, hence my return to the weekly weigh-ins.

On a lighter note (I wish!) Twomumsy brings you:

FIVE WEIGHT RELATED CLICHES or MYTHS

1 Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels
Well, seeing as I have never knowingly known how good ‘skinny’ can feel, I can honestly say that I don’t know what I am missing? Kate Moss, on the other hand is missing out on pure orgasmic pleasure of the oral variety. She needs to get her lips around a good old cadbury’s flake bar, in my opinion. Go on Kate, you know you want it!

Screen Shot 2013-04-25 at 23.09.33

2 Sex is better than chocolate
I think I have forgotten what sex is like? Chocolate on the other hand . . . I can have any time, any place, anywhere; it is still satisfying when it has gone all soft and warm, and I can make it last all night!!

3 A moment on the lips – a lifetime on the hips
Okay, okay, I am not disputing that there is a direct correlation between what I have put in my mouth over the years (oo eer missus) and the circumference of my hips. I was bottom heavy to start off with, childbearing hips run in the family, even when I was a child! I have heard on the some grapevine or other, that real men like real women. Women with something to grab hold of. Love me, love my love handles!

© Dreamstime

© Dreamstime

4 If no-one sees you eating it – it doesn’t count
What, that’s not true? Oh SUGAR, there goes my next reward sticker. I’ll be in detention next week. Anyway, who am I kidding? Who is likely to see me eating, anything, EVER? That’s not to say I don’t eat, MUCH! It is more a reflection on my sorry excuse for a social life. Add to that the fact that the kids are usually either in school, or in bed. The dog is my only witness.

5 Cider is counted as one of your five-a-day
Okay, okay, I don’t even like cider. Made you smile though – didn’t it? I hope so?! Anyway, I hope you wish me luck with my weight-loss journey. Now I am just off to enjoy a nice big bunch of Beaujolais. 😉

Five for Friday

© Max Blain | Dreamstime Stock Photos

© Max Blain | Dreamstime Stock Photos

Five things that twomumsy doesn’t do (very often) – but really should!

1 Defuzz
I never ever shave my legs unless I really, really have to! For example, if I am undergoing some form of medical that requires me to expose said legs, or I am going to a swimming pool, which rarely ever happens – but amazingly did so this week. Hallelulah, I hear you cry; and wonder which is indeed the most staggering? Is it that (a) I did indeed shave my legs, or (b) I went to a public swimming pool for the first time in 12 months.
I do shave the pits though, come on, I am not a total neanderthal!

2 Mani/Pedi
Ugly, scary and more often than not sweaty – meet my feet!
Pedicures are only done on a needs-must basis, partly due to the difficulty in locating them due to my more than generous waistline. My feet are not the most attractive of feet. Can feet actually be attractive? I suppose so, if you like that sort of thing! I only unleash mine on the unsuspecting public when I truly have to – on balmy summer days. Of which of course, we have few – or should that be PHEW! I am long overdue a visit to the podiatrist.

3 Pluck/tweeze/thread
Sort out the facial hair situation . . . Quite hairy, and rather scary (bit like the legs really). The brows are rather bushy and unkempt. I blame it on my astigmatism, I can’t see anything without the specs on. I don’t DO contact lenses anymore (but maybe I really should?) In the years post-childbirth the hormones have not been kind to twomumsy, and I now have the beginnings of a lady-tache on the upper lip. Am also starting to sprout a few hairs in the nostril region too. All most unattractive, and unlady like.

Photo: PA

Photo: PA

4 Dye
The barnet, that is! Along with the dog, I am going more and more grey by the day. I blame THE GIRL and THE BOY – they have a lot to answer for. Kids eh, how do they manage to age you so fast, whilst simultaneously still keeping you young at heart?! The colour of my hair is not the only problem, Susan Boyle, eat your heart out! Just call me Frizzy Miss Lizzy. Bad Hair Day? Is there ever a good one?

gokwan5 Get a Stylist
Well, after reading all of the above, is there any point, really? Probably not, but twomumsy could certainly benefit from some serious style advice. Please don’t call Gok Wan – there is no way that twomumsy will be stripping down to her smalls (okay, I admit, not-so smalls) on national TV, not in this life-time! Nor Trinny and Susannah (am showing my age now).

Most of my wardrobe is black, or at least dark, and shapeless – and usually bought at the supermarket, along with the milk, bread and toilet rolls. HELP, please!

No, I am probably beyond any assistance, there is only one thing for it – CALL THE FASHION POLICE!
Guilty, as charged! Throw away the key.

I fear I am a lost cause, forever TOO MUMSY, that’s me – twomumsy.